Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
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Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
If I ignore life will it go away?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”