one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
quarantine day 3
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?