one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up