@weinerdog4life: one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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@DamonHunzeker: Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird -- I didn't even know horses could live underwater.
@sad_tree: *a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center* Put it all on Grey
@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a number." Me: "Okay." Magician: "Are you thinking of a number?" Me: "Yes." *the crowd goes wild with applause*
@MollySneed: [tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved? [me with mouthful of chips] YEAH