@weinerdog4life: one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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@generaldietz: Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes. Her: What do you do with the time saved? Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
@LifeUnPinterest: Spoiler alert: The people who can't believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won't be able to believe they're in any grade, any year ever
@claudiaa_haleyy: I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.