@weinerdog4life: One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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@WheelTod: [Therapy] Me: What do you mean "boundary issues?" Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don't you put some clothes on & we'll talk?
@KenJennings: Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science
@simoncholland: The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
@markleggett: I'm disappointed to see that a lot of women are using "period tracker apps" now, instead of the shared Google spreadsheet I set up.