@weinerdog4life: One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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@NintenDom: Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
@TheGladStork: Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
@VerifiedBIB: Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
@decentbirthday: Buddha: all life is suffering Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes