One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me