@TheNardvark: One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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@InternetHippo: [i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"
@Bripping_Talls: Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn't read the entire article.
@dafloydsta: Now that Christmas is over, don't forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid's toys.
@mewritesgood: I set my kid's dollhouse on fire then asked: DO YOU HAVE INSURANCE?! DOES BARBIE HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN?! WHY ARE YOU CRYING?! Life lessons