@TheNardvark: One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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@BooFricketyHoo: Next update: Twitter will tell you what the retweeter is feeling as they retweet your retweet. And what they had for breakfast.
@BonaFideIntent: Drunk Draft Folder Contents: "Trees. LOL." "I was born once. Pickles." "Spice Girls" "Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one."
@pleatedjeans: [standing in driveway with wife] I thought we agreed on a Prius [giant eagle pecks at saddle] NO THIS IS BETTER
@murrman5: [spending entire date hiding the fact I'm really a beaver] "ow" what's wrong? "I got a splinter" may I see? "I guess so" delicious "pardon?"