One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Put the is in disheveled
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.