One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
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(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.