One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.