One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Me too
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.