one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Covid like
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems