@OBiiieeee: one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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@citizenkawala: My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
@cornax: The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had.
@preciousadidas: Biden: So here's the plan, I'll tackle him and you go in for the knockout Obama: Joe please. Biden: too far? Okay what about- Obama
@JElvisWeinstein: They're calling the Patriot thing "Deflategate?" I was hoping they'd go with "Ball-o-caust."