@OBiiieeee: one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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@AndyAsAdjective: [team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West] COACH: you idiots *melts*
@TheMichaelRock: 12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
@Rollmaninoz: *giraffe getting his daily coffee* G: usual grande mocha man Barista: gee that’s a… G: *sigh* B:…tall order G: Christ, every goddam day Phil