I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate