anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
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If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different