One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Actually cracking up @ this
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background