One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
We’re all getting idioter.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The best plant holders?