One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
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“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Just got to our Airbnb!
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too