One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
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The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed