One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
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[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
This meal prepping shit easy
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*