@EJGomez: one time this girl pulled me close & said "I'm the girl your mom warned you about" & I said "so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon"
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@MauriceBlitz: I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could've napped and didn't.
@VanGobot: *captain over the PA*: and if you look out your window to the left, you'll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
@panmidwest: SISTER: i'm engaged! ME: awwwwwwwwewwww SISTER: did you sneak an 'ew' in there ME: …no
@Vodkantots: Get your therapist to start taking you seriously by pulling a donut out of your purse.