one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it