One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
starting a garage orchestra
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
same bro
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?