One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism