worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
You Might Also Like
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Still laughing at this stupid meme
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.