When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
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Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
The cashier just checked me out.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.