[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?