[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas