Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
You Might Also Like
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…