One venti cheeseburger please.
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
This anagram machine is out of order.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
normalize having existential bread
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up