@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
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@MatCro: COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
@cupcakelynda: My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
@TheJessicaLong: The little girl behind me asked her mom what murder was, confirming my suspicious that Sesame Street doesn't prepare you for the real world.