@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
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@goldengateblond: I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
@KalvinMacleod: A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.