One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition