@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
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@moose_chocolate: I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator. See, hating people can be healthy!
@EricDumbTweets: I don't trust people who say "I married my best friend" because I don't think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
@Steelers1972: Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
@LaceyNycole: Girl: I can't wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it's like to be a parent. It'll be easy. Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*