One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
The sacred texts.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”