One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.