One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Breaking news:
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???