One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!