Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct