Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Planet of the Apps.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No