Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.