Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
no such thing as a dumb question
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD