@AmericanGent69: Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you're buying me drinks until you do.
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@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion] Person: "Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?" Me: "You told me to never change."
@hippieswordfish: ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net 911: where M: between 2 trees in our yard 911:a hammock? M: idk what his name is just send help
@lilpwoppa: Just seen a woman in town with lipgloss so sticky she had 16 flies attached to her mouth.