Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?