Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.