Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
What
oh you like architecture? name three walls
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Merry Christmas
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Damn he played himself
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat