NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
You Might Also Like
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂