Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.