Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You Might Also Like
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Coffee is ready.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!