@weinerdog4life: Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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@Up2Long: Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.
@DurtMcHurtt: [first day as a pharmacist] CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn't working. ME: *leans in close* that's cuz you're not an ant..
@HatfieldAnne: I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I'm a biter.
@RoastedPapad: [ Buzzfeed writer becomes a teacher ] "Kids today we will learn Alphabets. Here are 26 Alphabets that will blow your mind"