@weinerdog4life: Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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@ixix82: By 33, you'd think I'd have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
@slimmy_shady: I hate when I give people nicknames like "stupid face" on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
@thatUPSdude: [first date] Me: You into role playing? Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind? Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
@BuckyIsotope: You're in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do- "Bread guy"