Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
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Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Perfect.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.