FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
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Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom