Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying