Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
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Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.