Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
You Might Also Like
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!