Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Breaking news:
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie