Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*