@alldrolledup: Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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@thedailymarker: My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn't like so we don't have to share.
@jazmasta: [emergency room] "We need to put pressure on the wound!" [to wound] We've been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together"
@SamGirlSunday: Feeling sad because my hamster died... Well he's not 'technically' dead yet, but I ran out of food so it's really just a matter of days.
@shawnspree: I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.