Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.